although this has happened a few times before and we've ended up resuming
things, this evening, to quote david's analogy about the buddhist monk, i
finally got tired of being hit. ironically, on this particular occasion i
actually literally was hit...my girlfriend threw a plastic bottle at me
which hit me in the face. i was glad she did though, as that gave me the
necessary push to finally end things conclusively. she tried to talk me
into resuming things, but i was adamant. irrespective of all the other crap
i've put up with her, i'm not going to accept it becoming physical. in her
mind there is such a double standard as well...she'd probably call the
police if i'd hit her, but because she's the female, she is supposedly
allowed to.

i'm finally realising i think that there is a limit to sto behaviour, and
that sooner or later a controlled amount of beneficial sts is necessary.
the way i'm also looking at it though is that if she threw something at me
she was obviously feeling sick of things herself, and therefore by ending it
i'm actually helping both of us.

i'd like to possibly enter into another relationship in the future, but i
have a lot to learn about self-worth first, i think. i also need to enter a
period of fairly intense constructive sts as well, as even within this
relationship, my economic situation was precarious; outside of it, i'm going
to be doing well keeping a roof over my head.

of course, my gf is claiming i'm the worst human being alive for doing this,
and i'm trying not to take too much notice of that. i had some trouble
psychologically with what david was saying about action being a "luciferian
force," but i'm hoping that if i do it in a controlled way and try to avoid
harming others with it, that it won't cause problems. i do at least need an
income, and getting a property that i either own or can at least rent
reliably would also be good. i don't want to take over the world...at the
moment i just want to survive, which is actually a change. there were times
not long after i got into this recent relationship where i felt suicidal...i
actually *want* to advance myself now.