The Asc2k "Hall of Catalyst"
we're at that point where i won't be able to thank you / correspond
personally to each email about the issues at hand, as i can only devote a
certain number of hours a day to the list at best and i've already exceeded
that these last few days by a longshot. i have done great process today (a
lot in my private journal) but very little for the website, while cyberfina
diligently works away on the design we came up with.
in the midst of this process i remembered the ultimate negative greeting
that came to me from this list. it was just around 2 years ago now, and was
one of three truly substantial "catalyst bringers" over the years. each one
was far more intensive than the previous one. the only one i'm really
focusing on having a memory of now is the third in this list.
if anyone wants to do the astrology on this discussion group, i created it
on monday, october 30, 2000 at 1:45 pm in virginia beach, va. let's roll it
1. david dodson / korga, from the beginning of the list in 2000 through
2002: we worked this all out amicably over time but i got pretty frustrated.
ultimately what it boiled down to was that we had to draw a distinction
between 4d ascension, which is the basic slightly-over-50%-positive
graduation, as opposed to the buddhist ideals of 7d ascension, in which you
achieve true "enlightenment" while in human form. the summary email i wrote
on this was "re: the spiritual laws of creation and ascension" on february
david was also the most vociferous opponent to my seeking to create a source
of month-to-month subscription income, as can be seen in his post entitled
"dw, are you kidding me" from october 20, 2002. i was realizing that i was
becoming too busy to participate regularly in the list unless i was drawing
an income from it, in which case it would become part of my job and could
offset the need to take on so many clients for readings, freeing up a lot
more of my time and psychic energy to participate.
a lot of people liked the idea at the time. it would have created a closed
discussion list (in addition to a public list that i would not pay as much
attention to) at 3 bucks a month, i believe, and i was totally serious about
the fact that i would have posted far more often to this list. david's
intensity of protest, saying that capitalism was "rape," then proceeding to
deem my concept as "obscene" and a form of "exploitation," completely
stopped the entire effort dead in its tracks. i'm only picking it up now, in
a different and far better form, three years later with the streaming audio
"i can understand economic hardship. finish your books. sell them, promote
them. they are valiant works on there own. but do not exploit yourself or
the people who have supported you from the beginning to increase your favor.
to turn this list into a pay service is obscene."
i listened, summarily trashed the whole idea... and went on in grinding
poverty thereafter. my idea for something that could have transformed the
scope of my work by providing people with an inexpensive group way of
sending me needed funding - 36 dollars a year - had died on the vine within
days after it was first conceived. three years later, i still have not
finished my books or sold them because i've never had enough funding to stop
taking clients. now i've carved a niche that opens that possibility, at
2. stewart / simon conor / tfel, beginning in december 2000. this started
with a 124-kb attachment file entitled "the great play" that was posted and
accepted to the list. it was loaded with questionable statements that were
indicative of separation and negativity within the law of one philosophical
system. on december 14, 2000, i wrote "official response to "the great
play," where i tackled many of his points and contrasted them with law of
one philosophy. as time went on it became increasingly clear that he was
coming from a strongly negative perspective and the attacks got worse and
by the time all was said and done, simon had cloned himself into as many as
9 different identities that he would assume on our list simultaneously. he
was emailing members privately and harassing them quite substantially, and
just seemed to devote his entire life to attacking us in any way he possibly
could. one of his tricks was to get his various "alters" to agree with him
as if he were building up a group consensus with his senseless and
this all was enormously disruptive, and it took a great deal of work for us
to locate all his email "alters" and excise his influence from the list.
from this we had to create the policy of verifying all free email addresses.
he would turn various words backwards and then create email identities on
yahoo, in any of a variety of different countries such as canada and uk, to
keep the pressure on. now no one is allowed in unless they can verify their
identity, especially if it is a free email address. we have seen and
survived through the worst case scenario.
3. brent / aei / sledgehammer sunshine / not a secular self: this began in
april 2003, with a strong argument over the "wingmakers first source
writings," a set of documents from a website which, i now find out, publicly
states that it is mythological and not literally true. (strangely enough,
for synchronistic reasons, the webmaster of the site confirmed to me today
in writing that the site is indeed fictional, after i got into a discussion
with his new movie/tv producer. hence this is all coming up to be cleansed
at this unique time.)
aei ("anonymous enlightened individual") demanded that i provide him with a
full, extensive written account of why wingmakers did not align with the law
of one, rather than actually read the law of one enough to see the many
obvious problems in the wingmakers cosmology. (one of these problems was
supposed benevolent ets saying that they would not come to "save" humanity
until the world's scientists began reading and studying wingmakers.) aei
would not let go of this thing. our biggest problem was being too friendly
to people who have not earned respect. we tried really hard to be
cooperative and understanding as he got more and more outrageous.
as time went on it became clear that aei had a lot of "issues," and his
whole life had become based around attacking metaphysical personalities as a
way of projecting his own, very intense anger at the creator. nothing
angered him more than my suggestions that he was projecting his own issues
onto me and attacking me for it.
for some stupid, codependent reason, i tried to work with him quite a bit,
both publicly and then privately. one negative email would make me jump and
dance while 100 positives could go by unanswered, all because i myself had
not achieved any real self-acceptance, so the negative emails seemed to be
from people who saw the "ugly truth" for what it was.
as he came back with increasingly outrageous, bitter, unbelievably cruel and
obscene replies to me, while also tossing out just enough "crumbs" to make
me think that i might make a difference and get him to turn around some, i
was dragged into a hellstorm of depression. i literally felt as if dark
entities were swarming in on me whenever i sat down to the computer. i could
actually see and feel these shadow presences coming at me from a 360-degree
radial vector whenever i would sit at the computer seat.
the breaking point happened after i admitted to him at one point that his
words had gotten me so upset that i cried. his response was to tell me,
among other things, "i'll skull f-k you for all eternity, ye teary-eyed
egocent b-tch." since i had established a heart connection with him, this
came across as outrageously emotionally damaging to me; so much so that
until recently, i almost entirely stopped participating on this list. i also
had to auto-route every one of his many email addresses into the delete
folder because i didn't even want to read what he said.
so, since most of you do not know of this history, it is important to bear
in mind that some truly awful things have happened, at least awful in the
emotional sense, as a result of my participation here. when a few people
start criticizing me for some reason, the blood spills into the waters. this
attracts the real sharks. part of the lesson for me has been to get
completely mauled and torn to pieces and yet never lose my composure. i am
still not there yet but i am far better at it than i was before. this is a
requirement for the level of public exposure that things are increasingly
moving into in my life. if this film comes out i may literally be shouted at
in hatred on the streets, randomly, wherever i go, especially by
fundamentalist types. really think about that for a minute. that is why, i
believe, i have been led through all of this.
none of you are sharks from what i can see, but when you open the door to
separation, it paves the way for far more severe attacks to follow in
ensuing waves. i was so traumatized by the aei catalyst that i didn't even
read what anyone was writing for over a year and a half, except on occasion
if a headline jumped out at me for some reason. so in that sense it was a
very, very effective negative greeting.
ultimately the effects of all this have been character-building, but also
i'm looking at myself and seeing that i get very little done when i'm locked
up in healing. hence my realization of an inverse relationship between
healing and creating. if i want to create i have to basically just say what
i say and back off if someone tries to draw it out into a longer issue.
i wanted to put all this out there in one form just so that it exists, and
can be referred to in the future if need be. i will continue updating
everyone about the progress on the new site since some of you have already
donated and others are eagerly awaiting its inception.
peace be with you -