theeggo68 - the disorienting spiritual awakening
theeggo, your experience sounds a whole lot like an experience i had about 20 years ago. even despite so much time going by, it feels like it happened yesterday in some ways.
the basic similarities between yours and my experiences were:
- many ideas flowing into my head seemingly from thin air
- going "a little nuts" (an understatement, for me)
- researching, reading everything i could get my hands on
- working very hard to fit the pieces together
- recognizing "something" in music from the 60's & 70's
- suddenly finding the pieces, already put together by someone else.
i wrote some things about my experiences in a discussion thread titled "kundalini awakening," a little below this one. overall, my experience was characterized by tons of new ideas, a near-insane amount of energy, and a complete and total isolation. i made the mistake of trying to talk to a priest about it, and i could see in his eyes he was thinking i had gone off the deep end. by that time i knew i had not. i had spent years working as a mental health caregiver, so one day i sat down & made a list of symptoms of people who go over the edge in column a, and my "symptoms" in column b. (i had to consider both possibilities, if i was to be honest with myself, and i knew i needed total self-honesty to get through it all in one piece.) although there was some genuine overlap between column a and column b, there were enough significant differences that i knew the two columns were clearly describing two different things. i knew better than to even attempt to talk with a shrink about it, because i knew from many of my own professional experiences that they would be extremely careless about distinguishing the two phenomenae, since they were familiar with la-la-land on an everyday basis, but had zero experience with people trying to process an intense spiritual experience.
if, however, i went through that chaos, fear and frustration to be able to help serve as an anchor for somebody else going through a disorienting spiritual awakening, i consider it a distinct honor, my friend, and i am at your service. in some ways there can be surprisingly little distinction between heaven & hell, the main one being that in heaven you have a tourist map and a guide. lol or, as swiss psychiatrist carl jung once said it, the mystic swims in the *same* river that drowns the madman.
so if i have a word of advice to offer, it would be this: forget about the worries over whether or not you've lost your marbles. you haven't. in strictly psychological terms, you have entered into a period of unbridled creativity, and it may take you some time to sort the pieces out. if you can put your thoughts & feelings into concrete form through art, writing, music, or whatever way you have to express your feelings, it can help ground you.
i was about 37 when i went through my experience. frankly, i cannot believe you are only 19, and you still have your head this well together after such a disorienting experience. i am frankly in awe of that, just as i am in awe of david wilcock for managing to mentally & emotionally integrate the intense experiences he has had to deal with. i will not put you on a pedestal, just as i will not put david on a pedestal, but you may rest assured that you have my total respect. i do have a prediction: you will, one day, be well worth listening to for the things you know and understand. just keep putting those little pieces together. it might help if you keep a journal just to help you keep track of them.
as a bit of added information, there are a number of things documented as being able to trigger a kundalini experience. a few of them are yoga, meditation, an unexpected blow to the head, neck, or back - especially the lower spinal region. i had experienced all three at some point in my life. the day before i noticed the big changes in myself, i was in a auto accident & got my neck twisted a bit. one other person i know was working construction & got whacked in the small of his back with a big plank. i personally would be interested if you had experienced any of those things.
finally, as a mentor of mine was mildly famous for saying, "have at it!"
Originally Posted by theeggo68
deerclan, i really appreciate the response you gave. i read your post in the other thread about your experiences with the kundalini energy and it was really interesting.
you were right about putting thoughts and feelings into concrete form being a really grounding exercise. as a matter of a fact i don't know where i'd be right now if it weren't for my guitar. i don't necessarily study music in a traditional sense learning that many covers, i more so use it as a vent for my feelings and to create new stuff. i was reading how you said the k energy helped you in the gym, and it occurred to me that maybe my guitar is kind of like your weight lifting in an abstract sense?
also as far as accidents and meditation go... i haven't tried meditation "yet," (it's now on my long list of things to do), however i have had a concussion in a car accident which also resulted in a neck injury... and also an injury to my lower back on a separate occurrence. although i'm not sure if they could have contributed to any of this since they were years before i had my experience.
one more thing kind of off topic, but i have crohn's disease. i was reading about chakras today and was wondering if the disease could partially be due to an imbalance or problem with my 3rd chakra..? it would be great if i could find a way to beat this thing. so far it hasn't really been all that bad, haven't had to get surgery for it yet or anything and i've had it for a few years now. i try to keep a positive attitude, stay in shape, and eat right which might be helping to slow it down, however it's still... there. so maybe i'm way off and have no idea what i'm talking about, but maybe if i can heal my 3rd chakra i can heal my crohn's disease..?
anyway, thanks again listening and the warm response.
guitars & spiritual transformation
"i was reading how you said the k energy helped you in the gym, and it occurred to me that maybe my guitar is kind of like your weight lifting in an abstract sense?"
one word: "abb-so-lute-ly." (no pun intended on the "lute," you know.) jungian psychologists also recognize spiritual transformations, and they recognize them as periods of extreme artistic creativity. go for it! i'm excited, and i'd like to hear what kinds of sounds you're making now. btw, what kinda ax do you have? mine is an acoustic martin d-28, and old model from the 80's with a barcus-berry pickup built into the bridge.
"i don't necessarily study music in a traditional sense learning that many covers, i more so use it as a vent for my feelings ..."
ahh so, my son. you remind me of an old song by james taylor:
me & my guitar
always in the same mood
i am mostly flesh & bone, and
he is mostly wood.
i'm not the best one to answer about chakras & illnesses, but i'm confident there's someone here more knowledgeable than i am to discuss it with you.
Originally Posted by theeggo68
illness & chakras
actually, theego, maybe i can offer you a word or two about illness & chakras. it's based on some personal work i'm doing on myself now, so please bear in mind that this is not tied-&-true knowledge, but just another guy on the path beside you.
what i seem to be finding for myself is that certain physical problems & conditions can manifest by me shutting my own chakras down to less than full steam. i've barely begun exploring it, but the path is starting to seem clear enough to me that i'm fairly confident of what's further down the path for me.
bear with me while i back up just a minute, if you will. i'm gonna return to my childhood of religious fundamentalism, then translate it into a different kind of language that might shed some new light on things. religious fundamentalism focuses a lot of energy on the devil - or, as i once called him in a short poem - "da debbil." (the poem is called "da debbil went a-walkin'. maybe i'll include it at the bottom)
a tuned-in friend once shared with me that the term used for "devil" in the sacred book is exactly the same word used for "the accuser" in a court of law. now that made a whole lot of sense to me, especially on a psychological level, because years of experience had convinced me that "accusations" are at the root of many human problems. in particular, there is a very special kind of accusation that lies at the root of many human problems, and that is - "self-accusations." do you hear the implication? if we accuse ourselves, if we sit in unfair or unfounded judgment on ourselves, then we become our own "debbil." i can't support it, but it just rings so true to me that i've never really done the linguistic research to verify it. in fact let's update that.
there are in fact 8 words in the original greek language that got translated into english as "devil," and indeed, one of them is "diabolos," which more literally translates as "the accuser." now i expect there are hordes of people who would be quick to take me to task for this, but does it not logically conclude that when i accuse myself, i am acting as my own "diabolos"?
this is what i am finding currently. since beginning to read the ra material, david's readings, and the loo a few short weeks ago, i have been jolted by dim echoes of what appear to be 'past life memories' that are the source of huge quantities of self-accusation. i really do not want to go into detail, except to say it possibly is connected to david's readings about 4dn's. no, i do not want to think of myself as having been one of those critters. but something seems to keep bringing my attention in that direction, and i want to face up to reality rather than avoiding it. that's just my way. so if i was one of those 'nasties' who brought war consciousness to this planet to force it to choose between darkness & light, it will be better all the way around if i face up to it and deal with it. the only other thing i'll say is this: if that's truly what is surfacing in my mind, the self-accusations that accompany it are abysmal and hideous. i wrote this yesterday, to describe how it felt.
darkness of soul
the raucus crows of self-accusation
caw incessantly inside my heart.
"criminal!" they cry, and "senseless!"
the list grows. "worthless! and "nothing!"
'til i want to hide my head in shame.
cringing, rather than enjoying pizza
with my two lovely young girls - my
lovely daughter, and her blond friend.
flocks of crows wheel around.
their cold shadows block the sun.
does the sun still dare to shine
inside my soul ? he must have
nothing to hide, that sun god.
i wonder: has he ever lived among
barren shambles of a life?
with feet kicking up damp, dirty
oak leaves, the trail of someone's
failure to rake clean last fall?
or, as i dimly suspect, has he, since
birth, like some high-born politician's
spoiled rich eldest son, climbed
forever in the highest circles?
and can i truly feel jealous of the sun?
what grim darkness of soul is this?
perhaps the crows may know
a wiser answer.
do you feel the chakras move or change when you read that, theego?
hi deerclan and theeggo68
your conversation resonates deeply with me at the moment and deerclan what you wrote about the priest and everything else is spot on and so true and you "eggo" and your guitar....
...i know that artistic creativity is one road to healing together with spirituality, but at the moment my faith is severely tested and it's all about what i've been nagging about from the moment i came upon this forum...
in my 20:ies i recorded an lp with my own songs and translations from some american songwriters, among them "fire and rain" by james taylor...little did i know i was going to meet that same destiny as described in the song and which i didn't understand until recently what it was really about..
i also translated ballad of lucy jordan (recorded by marianne faithful) but translations were not allowed by the composer...don't remember who at the moment...anyway, little did i know that the fate of lucy jordan also would become mine....
....well deerclan you worked as a caregiver in a mental hospital, then you know noone would understand what i was going through with the synchronicities and brainwashing i had broken out of resulting in a psychosis...i was simply regarded as mentally disturbed....and when i turned to the church and the priests, same thing..
...actually ordinary folks and "disbelievers" and atheists helped me the most, so which speaks louder? actions or the testimony of lips?
is this my final catalyst? will i ever have a spiritual breakthrough where i can use my knowledge and talent together? even my dog is injured...i look for the meaning of this, i know there is one....
there are only 3½ years left before we reach 2012...perhaps should i continue in the "dilemma-thread"..
it would be interesting to know how many on the forum are 1)"in a flow" 2)"doing ok" or 3) "going through a crisis"....
goodnight from transiten
thank you for the kind words
thank you for the advice and kind words, it means alot to me. as for the tarot cards, should i go for the "thoth deck"?
[moderators wish to suggest the search function to see other posts about tarot cards]
i've been boggling with the "devil" a lot and i came upon some interpretation of devil derived from "diabolein" meaning "to tear apart", in two i supppose -dia- as the opposite of "symbolein" to connect, put together....
and of course, to accuse oneself or to deny oneself almost 100% means you wll do that to others....horrible dilemma right...
keep toughing it out.
.... deerclan you worked as a caregiver in a mental hospital, then you know noone would understand what i was going through with the synchronicities and brainwashing i had broken out of resulting in a psychosis...
yes. i do.
i was simply regarded as mentally disturbed....and when i turned to the church and the priests, same thing..
[sigh] yes. i know.
ironically enough, transiten, the people i know who do the best job of putting the principles of the bible into practice call themselves "atheists." i don't know why, but it sure seems strange to me.
it would be interesting to know how many on the forum are 1)"in a flow" 2)"doing ok" or 3) "going through a crisis"....
can i be all three at once? i never liked categories! seriously, i agree, it would be interesting to hear people's responses.
you take care now, kiddo.
sure "cleardan" you are right...it can be all 3.......
....and now i'm in the process of having to keep a distance to the persons that helped me the most since they dont't support my spiritual development...
...and one who is is stuck in co-dependency and a somewhat "shallow" spirituality...
...how twisted can your lessons become?
oh god, please give wings to my dog....
i have two guitars. one of them is a gibson sg standard... and the other, believe it or not, is also a martin d-28! that blew my mind when i read you had the same guitar. as far as the type of stuff i play.. it's kind of hard to pinpoint just one genre, but depending on my mood it mixes and matches between blues, rock, metal, and just weird spacey stuff that i don't really know how to describe without playing it for you.
concerning what you were writing about in your poem and throughout your post i believe it's like the carl jung quote you described earlier, "the mystic swims in the same river that drowns the madman." despite what you might have been in the past, you still have the free will to be who you want to be and take a unique perspective on experience as you choose. as you were saying, self accusations are the root of many of our problems. so i guess i would say, acknowledge who you are, who you were, forgive yourself, and grow from it. at least that's how i understood it, although let me know if i'm off.
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