what changes are you experiencing in the run-up to 2012?

[Fatima13]

i feel as if we are all approaching our "last supper" is the best way i can describe it! we all know its coming and its just a matter of waiting but yeah i want to get over it, its like the last hill you need to walk over but it seems never ending to get to the other side.

exactly!!!

for the past two years, i have been very strict about my eating and exercise habits because i wanted to change the appearance of my physical body. however, the weirdest thing happened--*absolutely nothing*, in spite of a vegetarian diet and vigorous exercise 5 to 6 days per week. i felt stronger in a sense, but i couldn't detect that my actions were having any sort of affect on my body whatsoever. in recent months, the need to *do* has given way to the need to contemplate and prepare. it occurred to me that what i needed wasn't *activity* but *release*. so i've been looking at all aspects of my life to see what unnecessary "weight" i'm holding onto and what kinds of habitual behavior i'm engaging in that might need adjusting. surprisingly enough, this approach feels more in line with the current times. it's not about my physical appearance. it's about something deeper than that. like a preparation for some impending event. however, it's not easy, and on the surface, it might look as if nothing's happening. still, i know that i'm making incredible progress where it counts. of course, i also have a long way to go yet.


fatima

[cameronjcw]

i know exactly what you mean about contemplating things and yeah its definitely something deeper!!

its like evolution of our thinking, beliefs and soul!!

i myself feel very separated from my body and the whole notion of the fact that your body is just a vessel is very much true at this time. even as i am sitting here typing using my physical body i almost feel like an intruder to my physical form.

it just reminded me of a time when i was a child and i had been living with my grandmother because my mother was off doing whatever it was that she was doing and i remember she came back to get me and i was hiding under the kitchen sink and the memory i have from it is still so damn clear its like me watching myself hiding under the kitchen sink! i think i also remember hiding in the boiler cupboard too and again its like being a spector watching myself from the outside!

i still feel very much like that in life!

i was sitting in the bath last night and started crying which i havent done in a while i think i needed to do that. i do feel quite low today but again its like that feeling of impatience. it feels like everybody knows somethings going to happen soon and everybodys just waiting for it because its all anyone can do. you can feel this feeling i can right now and its weird its like being engulfed in some kind of thick plasma of emotion and feeling that we are all waiting for this big thing to happen!?

i also was sitting again in the bath last night crying and realising that i still dont fit in anywhere! i have always felt that and known it but even now these days even with a huge network of people in similar situations and with similar health problems and even in my own family too. i still feel like the outsider, like the peice of a jigsaw that doesnt fit with the rest because its from a different jigsaw. where the hell is my jigsaw i am so fed up of feeling so lost and separate from everybody and being here in my skin feeling like an intruder!!

[Apophis]

when walking up the stairs of a very tall building that has no floor numbers painted anywhere, people tend to cut themselves short all the time. but let me tell you, the view from where were going is like nothing you've ever seen before. and ya my legs get tired too, sometimes it helps to sit for a bit but not too long because it makes getting back up all the harder to do.

cameronjcw when was the last time you got new pillows? when i have trouble breathing at night 80% of the time it's because the pillow i'm using is getting old and full of dust.

[Apophis]

i also was sitting again in the bath last night crying and realising that i still dont fit in anywhere! i have always felt that and known it but even now these days even with a huge network of people in similar situations and with similar health problems and even in my own family too. i still feel like the outsider, like the peice of a jigsaw that doesnt fit with the rest because its from a different jigsaw. where the hell is my jigsaw i am so fed up of feeling so lost and separate from everybody and being here in my skin feeling like an intruder!!

you fear life, it's time to fear death so that life no longer holds you in this prison of fear.
you don't fit in because you are choosing not to change.
this world is not just another easy place to fit, it's a place where you get to learn how to adapt to new things.

its like being a spector watching myself from the outside!

you're a puppet, this means your mind is detached from your body. this also says your conscious mind is detaching from life, it's afraid.
let's turn our fear to death, when we do this attach ourselves to life.

[cameronjcw]

i can assure you its not life i fear it is death!! 100%

ive been really ill lately and am getting worse. i feel like i am physically suffocating because i dont have enough oxygen being absorbed into my lungs because of my eds i know its that because its a connective tissue disorder that can affect any part of your body and it has been for ages now and my physical health is declining and there is nothing much i can do about it. i have to keep all this to myself too because my teenage daughter has the same thing and she is getting worse too and if i let on too much i worry that this will affect her mentally and really will not help her but recently i really do feel very much caught between life and death and i can assure you the last thing i want is death.

i dont want to die, dont want my daughter to see me die and worry all the time about what would happen to her if i did there have also been many occasions recently where ive wondered if i will wake up and this terrifies me because i do not want her to have to find me. i also have a baby neice who i want to see grow up and my wee cat cookie!

i have many things to keep me here even though i dont fit in. but i can assure you its death i fear certainly not life it is just a fact that i have a rare illness that is slowly killing me and am trying to get genetic testing to confirm what i believe it is exactly but even if it is or isnt there is no treatment, no cure only condition management which is also limited.

my body is genetically damaged in far too many ways for it to be repaired unless they find some miracle cure that will replace all the faulty collagen in my body and that kind of thing just isnt available. such is life!!

its all just facts and sometimes you cant always fix things the way you would like!

[absul]

ups and downs, the shedding of old habits and thought games

[ninente]

cameronjcw, hang in there, ok? in the 1990s i was dying from a chronic condition and knew it. i had too many reasons to want to live to just give up although it would have been easy. i wasn't afraid of whatever's on the other side; i was afraid of the pain of dying because i already had so much pain and had no idea how much worse it would get.

most of my life, doctors kept predicting i wouldn't live another 10 years, and then another decade would roll by and i'd still be here. they'd been looking for all sorts of cures for my condition for over half a century. (specifics if you'd like, by pm.) for me, there *was* a cure - of sorts - which i took advantage of. i found it because i was in the right place at the right time. it came with a price, of course; but i was glad to pay it.

so we can't know what's right around the corner. this was brought home to me twice in this century; things i thought would never change or be discovered, did and were.

something like this may or may not happen for you. i certainly didn't expect it for myself. i guess i'd have become a very different person, would have learned other things, if my road hadn't forked the way it did. but all this has taught me so much. it's only now that i'm putting the pieces together, but i'm not yet seeing a pattern. the changes have been escalating lately, i guess as i learn how to change. i'd been looking for the etheric kind of changes i read so much about, but what i'm seeing is healing of some gaping, bleeding spiritual wounds i still had from years gone by. first things first.

my life isn't easy. i live with a lot of uncertainty. that is increasing as well, to the point where i'm being almost forced into relaxing and trusting - or else going berserk, as many others today are.

i feel like i don't fit in anywhere, too, even on this forum although i agree with the loo principles. i do hope this helps or at least that it's intelligible. i always get the feeling i've posted gibberish or else something everybody knows anyway.

[coolamander]

i'm desperate for a better world. i know that it's possible but there's so much hate to confront. it's everywhere now and only getting stronger. i don't understand how someone can stand to read these news sites everyday. i stopped doing that years ago. over the last three years things have become very intense. there is a growing sense of anticipation in people i meet. it's like they're all waiting for the ball to drop, for someone to say that one thing that crushes their spirit and sends them flying into a rage. i heard a man describe his family as the "strangers i watch tv with" and i thought that it was accurate. 2012 has to be something. either that date or shortly after. calamity for some maybe. enlightenment for others. it's time for the suffering to end.

the last week it seems to have picked up even more and i only expect it to increase in the coming months in the buildup. i'm just trying not to lose my mind in the cyclone as i watch as the world is in upheaval. i laugh when i see the politicians. i wonder if they will ever realize how insignificant they are in trying to control things. on a macro level i see the changes taking place in the world and relate them to 2012. i expect to see many organizations and structures that many people believe "positive" exposed as malign and then topple from power.

i can watch the world spin around with a sense of detachment from it all for the most part. what is not possible to ignore is personal effects in my life. i am disconnected from most of society and most people. for years i lived alone without trouble but lately loneliness has become overpowering and with a growing sense of worthlessness. the internet has become a great source of information for me but also a curse. i am too sensitive for the uninhibited thoughts of the people on the web. their hate crushes me and i don't have any way to cope with it. i'm just hanging onto this raft for now. there's no way to steer to shore as we near the rapids.

is there any way to pray and ask for help that actually works? i'm in a lot of suffering and i've asked for help before but nothing seems to change.

[cameronjcw]

cameronjcw, hang in there, ok? in the 1990s i was dying from a chronic condition and knew it. i had too many reasons to want to live to just give up although it would have been easy. i wasn't afraid of whatever's on the other side; i was afraid of the pain of dying because i already had so much pain and had no idea how much worse it would get.

most of my life, doctors kept predicting i wouldn't live another 10 years, and then another decade would roll by and i'd still be here. they'd been looking for all sorts of cures for my condition for over half a century. (specifics if you'd like, by pm.) for me, there *was* a cure - of sorts - which i took advantage of. i found it because i was in the right place at the right time. it came with a price, of course; but i was glad to pay it.

so we can't know what's right around the corner. this was brought home to me twice in this century; things i thought would never change or be discovered, did and were.

something like this may or may not happen for you. i certainly didn't expect it for myself. i guess i'd have become a very different person, would have learned other things, if my road hadn't forked the way it did. but all this has taught me so much. it's only now that i'm putting the pieces together, but i'm not yet seeing a pattern. the changes have been escalating lately, i guess as i learn how to change. i'd been looking for the etheric kind of changes i read so much about, but what i'm seeing is healing of some gaping, bleeding spiritual wounds i still had from years gone by. first things first.

my life isn't easy. i live with a lot of uncertainty. that is increasing as well, to the point where i'm being almost forced into relaxing and trusting - or else going berserk, as many others today are.

i feel like i don't fit in anywhere, too, even on this forum although i agree with the loo principles. i do hope this helps or at least that it's intelligible. i always get the feeling i've posted gibberish or else something everybody knows anyway.

absolutely not gibberish and i totally get what you are saying and mean. i was really scared last week becuase of the breathing problems i was having which now seem to have calmed which is a huge relief. you are right about being ill changing you as a person inside in a spiritual kind of way. even though like yourself i am waiting for something bigger to happen, some kind of almost miraculous change but instead its come in a similar spiritual way. when i look back to how i was 1-2 years ago i can see how much i have changed without realising it. i did notice a little going along the way but its not till i actually look back at where i was 2 years ago before physically i got really bad but spiritually i think i have grown and some of the changes are really nice and not at all what i had expected. despite all the turmoil and physical and mental pain i have experienced over the years i can see how much more all the more negative, hurtful and painful expereinces have really helped me so much more than if i had it easy, normal and without hiccups. i think sometimes when you are in the middle of one of the tougher experiences it can be hard to see through all that when its right in the middle of it.

thanks!! i definitely think although as you feel yourself you dont fit in even in this forum the people on here really are great. its nice to be in amongst positive people who are trying to grow spiritually and arent as judgemental as others may be at times so far that i am grateful i found my way herexx

[ninente]

thanks for your reply, cameron! i'm glad you're feeling better now. i've just made a very difficult decision that will affect my health and maybe my overall situation in the coming years. i'm trying to stay sensitive to spirit's guidance and keep my heart open when all it wants to do is clench in fear. this forum is really helping with that.

you're right, it's partly a matter of trust, feeling like i fit in here. that will take time, but on another level it doesn't matter as much as it did even when i wrote the other post. these inner changes are happening so fast now that anything i say today may be untrue tomorrow. i feel like maybe i shouldn't say anything, but if we all did that there'd be no forum!