Learning to live with depression

[johnasmodeus]

@larissa:
thanks for the compliment!
i do the exact same thing. i went through all of high school convinced that nobody liked me, and isolated myself completely as a result. i even started to get angry at all of them for not liking me for what i saw as absolutely no good reason. then when i went to college and came back, and actually spoke to some people from hs, i found out that most of them had liked me very much. it was just my anxiety (i had social anxiety disorder really bad) that kept me from connecting with them, and my life was, and is, poorer as a result. as a matter of fact, that's one of the reasons behind what i wrote about. if i had been a bit less closed-off as a person, i wouldn't have been so in need of basic human attention that i latched onto this girl the way i did.

@foosnik:
i don't think you ever leave that dark a place entirely. when you have starved yourself of love for so long that you turn, like a cancer, and start enjoying the anger instead; that's a switch you can't just "turn off." if i ever forgive myself, not just for what i did to those two and their relationship, but for the discovery at the end that i actually enjoyed the attention it brought, that i enjoyed, out of spite, being the monkey wrench in their machine, then i might wake up one day and realize, like i have with other lost relationships, that it just doesn't bother me anymore. it hasn't happened yet, though, so i must live with that little drop of poison, carrying it around lodged in my being until something happens that allows me to let it go. who knows? maybe this is what i deserve. anyway, it's not all that bad; it's been years. i don't even have the dreams about them anymore.

[FooSnik]

@larissa:
thanks for the compliment!
i do the exact same thing. i went through all of high school convinced that nobody liked me, and isolated myself completely as a result. i even started to get angry at all of them for not liking me for what i saw as absolutely no good reason. then when i went to college and came back, and actually spoke to some people from hs, i found out that most of them had liked me very much. it was just my anxiety (i had social anxiety disorder really bad) that kept me from connecting with them, and my life was, and is, poorer as a result. as a matter of fact, that's one of the reasons behind what i wrote about. if i had been a bit less closed-off as a person, i wouldn't have been so in need of basic human attention that i latched onto this girl the way i did.

@foosnik:
i don't think you ever leave that dark a place entirely. when you have starved yourself of love for so long that you turn, like a cancer, and start enjoying the anger instead; that's a switch you can't just "turn off." if i ever forgive myself, not just for what i did to those two and their relationship, but for the discovery at the end that i actually enjoyed the attention it brought, that i enjoyed, out of spite, being the monkey wrench in their machine, then i might wake up one day and realize, like i have with other lost relationships, that it just doesn't bother me anymore. it hasn't happened yet, though, so i must live with that little drop of poison, carrying it around lodged in my being until something happens that allows me to let it go. who knows? maybe this is what i deserve. anyway, it's not all that bad; it's been years. i don't even have the dreams about them anymore.

what you said to larissa is exactly what i went through too. i had social anxiety and general anxiety and just anxiety period. and i found out later that people actually really liked me too but i was too defensive to notice. that is a big thing that i just went through. actually letting go of my fears and actually connecting with other people with total openness and honesty.

[johnasmodeus]

really? wow.
yeah, it seems like a lot of us are going through some kind of clearing lately. i had this huge violent depression hit me in february, that slowly evened out, and now i find myself clearing all of these issues that have plagued me, one by one, just like that. very quickly. i seem to be growing.

[jgalbra1]

it seems the big changes happen after a huge depression. they clear the "slate". this catachlysm made me realize how stupid it was to be in that dark place as it helps nothing and saps the power you do have to be happy and do what you can. the energy that can flow freely when you are not obessing over the bad can really help you connect with people/ my problem was looking people in the eyes when i spoke to them.

[AmelieJolie]

thank you for sharing your story, johnasmodeus. it's beautiful to share experiences like that openly with others, others we can trust. thank you.

came across this today on a depression help site:


"thinking creates an image.

images control feelings.

feelings cause actions.

actions create results."


love is all.

"and in the end the love you take
is equal to the love you make".

<3

"let it be".

[transiten]

jgalbra1

i would not say it's "stupid" to be depressed. being depressed is being depressed. find the the reason, search yourself if you can, sometime's yo can't, sometimes other pple or forces will lift you up. perhaps that is "grace". don't despise any state of being. it is what it is. depression might be the proper and necessary reaction to certain circumstances.

liliane

[jgalbra1]

very well put. knowing that i have a little more control over the way i feel and that i dont have to stay in a depressed mode makes the depression seem less hard to cope with. its not "stupid" to feel that way but i dont recommend it. it seems to me that i now think of it more as a feedback mechanism and i can then search for the deeper cause and usually fix it or start moving in a better direction.

[transiten]

i feel tormented at the moment, not knowing how to relate in the face of the horrors going on in gaza. suddenly i don't know what to do and this coincides with a depression creeping into my whole being.

demonstrate? meditate? i feel lonely, cut off from my friends who don't resonate with the ideas on this website and forum and cut off from any spiritual connection.

please send some thoughts in this moment that i can catch on to

transiten in despair

[transiten]

...i read some of the posts in this thread...do you guys manage to get in contact with your higher self or any other spirit when totally alone for a long time?? i feel depressed being alone and i have problems being with my current friends and just long to be alone after seeing them...noone resonate with me on the level that i at lest think pple on this forum do, and it makes me depressed not to meet living pple to interact and discuss these matters with..

...what is the purpose of this outcastfeeling..how can i make a difference when i'm not in cooperation with likeminded...my patience is at it limits...

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[FIIISH]

how can i make a difference when i'm not in cooperation with likeminded

lilane,

i have struggled with depression my entire life. it's difficult to have
the insight we do at times because it can very hard to find others
that relate to what we see and experience. it requires much courage
and a strong resolution to believe in oneself and why we are here.

while there is no substitute for having like-minded friends present in
flesh and blood, we are never alone. our angels see all, and love
us unconditionally without judgement. the very fact that we are trading
thoughts through the medium of this forum is proof that we are not alone.
we are all experiencing different degrees of isolation, which is a test in itself.

remember that simply by being present on the planet at this time, we are
raising the vibration and fulfilling our contract.

i don't think we have much further to go with things as they are.
take heart- we will soon have the opportunity to go home
and be amongst our own kind soon-if we choose.