thanks for the compliment!
i do the exact same thing. i went through all of high school convinced that nobody liked me, and isolated myself completely as a result. i even started to get angry at all of them for not liking me for what i saw as absolutely no good reason. then when i went to college and came back, and actually spoke to some people from hs, i found out that most of them had liked me very much. it was just my anxiety (i had social anxiety disorder really bad) that kept me from connecting with them, and my life was, and is, poorer as a result. as a matter of fact, that's one of the reasons behind what i wrote about. if i had been a bit less closed-off as a person, i wouldn't have been so in need of basic human attention that i latched onto this girl the way i did.
i don't think you ever leave that dark a place entirely. when you have starved yourself of love for so long that you turn, like a cancer, and start enjoying the anger instead; that's a switch you can't just "turn off." if i ever forgive myself, not just for what i did to those two and their relationship, but for the discovery at the end that i actually enjoyed the attention it brought, that i enjoyed, out of spite, being the monkey wrench in their machine, then i might wake up one day and realize, like i have with other lost relationships, that it just doesn't bother me anymore. it hasn't happened yet, though, so i must live with that little drop of poison, carrying it around lodged in my being until something happens that allows me to let it go. who knows? maybe this is what i deserve. anyway, it's not all that bad; it's been years. i don't even have the dreams about them anymore.