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Thread: Learning to live with depression

  1. #31
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    thanks megan.

    don't get me wrong...although i long to be in a relationship, its not that i'm "looking" for one.....just hoping for destiny to bring me the right person, that's all. perhaps this intense friendship i just experienced was to help motivate me to do some inner cleansing and move on with my life. it's really painful, that's all- because this person is also so lost, confused, sensitive, complicated. perhaps i was meant to help teach him something.

    i tend to be really fussy about who i get involved with....there has to be that extra "thing" that just "feels" right, otherwise i'm not interested.
    the thing is, when i do get interested.....i fall so terribly deep.

    then i need help to get back up again, to save me from drowning.

    my emotions are so intense, i feel i'm being reborn all the time.
    is this a burden all creative souls must carry; a part of the creative process?

  2. #32
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    Default Mabey toxins???

    Quote Originally Posted by ameliejolie View Post
    it was a struggle to get out of bed this morning; i was just going to stay there. at least when i'm asleep, i feel peaceful.

    it is taking an effort even to type this.

    god, i feel so utterly miserable this morning.

    i feel so used, like i've been used by someone and discarded.
    if he cared he might try and get in touch or something, or just offer some kindness.
    he knows what i'm going through.
    he doesn't seem bothered by it in the slightest.

    i really, really wish my life would end right now!
    well, another persons actions or "will" shouldn't really affect us that badly, unless we are already down for some other reason, like that saying , "don't change him, exchange him" etc......we should never really "need" another person at all, if we do....we aren't ready for a relationship, and should just enjoy people as friends, or we are going to allow ourselves to be hurt again, just by the plain fact that another person isn't compatable with our desires or tastes, dosen't make them wrong, or us unworthy, just diffrerent from each other.....but you seem to have a wonderful heart and level head with most things, soooooooo, here is what i think...


    mabey it is physical.....have you tried a parasite cleanse, followed by the colon/liver/kidney flushes etc, and then the castor oil packs? if you go to curezone.com and search on edgar cayce, his simple remedies truly can work miracles in that regard.

    our cells hold toxins, which hold our old emotions, which can build up to the point of overwhealming if they aren't flushed out regularily....think of the way some smells bring back a memory crystal clear for example, well it is on that principle.

    the first round you can feel worse at first because you are detoxifying so fast, so don't let that put you off, because a lot of people the more they are cleansed, the better they feel, even better than childhood for a lot.

    you can pm me if you want me to cut and paste some stuff for you since i have already been following the edgar cayce advice on that site. etc.

  3. #33
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    this thread has gotten a lot of responses - it's a subject dear to my heart(so to speak), having been depressed all my life. i don't think i am anymore, i don't know what happened it's just gone. at least it's gone in the sense that i don't feel hopeless anymore, and i don't feel the pain, but i know that pain aj, having felt it for so many years.

    so the only hope i can offer you is that eventually it will go....... can you imagine if we had to endure that emotional pain forever? that would truly be hell, i think i would prefer the physical pain to the emotional one (actually, probably not).

    this morning i woke up thinking about not having any friends. i've been through all the blah blah stuff about its me, not them, if i put myself out, i would get it back, be a friend to get one etc etc none of that makes any difference, just like it doesn't make any difference to a depressed person to tell them it will pass, or whatever perky suggestion comes to mind.

    it's plain fact that nobody calls me, i have to call them. and when i do call them they make excuses to get off the phone. or when i email them they don't email me back. this has been a recurring theme all my life - nobody likes me and i have no friends. in a way i don't care anymore, just like i'm not depressed anymore. it doesn't matter. and yes, i know all about the law of attraction!!!

    the romantic thing, ouch, thats a sore point. you would think after 8 years of waiting it would be clear he doesn't care, to anybody but me, that is.

    it doesn't matter because it's all an illusion anyway. and it all passes, so what's the big deal? i've been away from the forum for a few days because i've been busy watching a bunch of whistleblower videos. fascinating stuff. i've known all that stuff for the past 30 years or more, nothing new, except maybe a lot of really interesting details (they're training baboons to attack anyone who gets off the designated roads? please!!....)

    it's wonderful to know that whistleblowers are not allowed on this forum. i have no doubt that a lot of what they say is quite true, but so what? sure, i got sucked in for awhile, it was very entertaining, but at the end of the day, here i am with me, having to take the next step, which is quite mundane, gotta get up, go to work, maybe it's time to sweep the floor.

    so, i guess i better stop rambling on.... thanks, guys for being here, i'm grateful and touched........

  4. #34
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    Quote Originally Posted by ameliejolie View Post
    am i a wanderer?

    i feel too un-evolved to be a wanderer.

    but as a child, for no rational explanation, i always felt a painful longing, a feeling, that i had long lost brothers and sisters out there somewhere.

    it hurts so much thinking about it, because i feel so trapped.

    another thing i sometimes did, can't remember my exact age, about 11 probably- i sometimes tried to communicate with other life, out there somewhere in the sky.

    one time, i even thought i saw something land in the field opposite.
    maybe it was just my imagination.

    i think i'm too un-evolved to be a wanderer.

    i just feel there are parts of me missing.

    i feel such a terrible sense of longing, of yearning.


    god, this really hurts.

    (i'm definitely not the unemotional sort, of wanderer, in any case, lol).
    yes. my heart is bleeding too.

    but to say that you are "un-evolved" is ridiculous. sorry. but you are a queen.

    you are not seeing it yet. but i am !!

    let it go. you are teaching us, with your words and your experience.

    every word you share is poetry. and truth.

    love,

    ryan
    "When you look into the eyes of another, any other, and you see your own soul looking back at you, then you will know that you have reached another level of consciousness." -Brian Weiss

  5. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by ameliejolie View Post
    am i a wanderer?

    i feel too un-evolved to be a wanderer.

    but as a child, for no rational explanation, i always felt a painful longing, a feeling, that i had long lost brothers and sisters out there somewhere.

    it hurts so much thinking about it, because i feel so trapped.

    another thing i sometimes did, can't remember my exact age, about 11 probably- i sometimes tried to communicate with other life, out there somewhere in the sky.

    one time, i even thought i saw something land in the field opposite.
    maybe it was just my imagination.

    i think i'm too un-evolved to be a wanderer.

    i just feel there are parts of me missing.

    i feel such a terrible sense of longing, of yearning.


    god, this really hurts.

    (i'm definitely not the unemotional sort, of wanderer, in any case, lol).
    you are a wanderer. you are a mystic. you are love.

    i understand the way you doubt yourself. it is time for us to stop doubting ourselves.

    it is time to teach the world how to love.
    "When you look into the eyes of another, any other, and you see your own soul looking back at you, then you will know that you have reached another level of consciousness." -Brian Weiss

  6. #36
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    thank you, foosnik!

    larissa....all i basically want to say is i feel empathy and compassion for you. its so terrible....the sense of disconnection in the world.

    let's hope we all manage to find those deeper connections soon.

    i could give you all a hug!


    love.

  7. #37
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    i dont know if you have tried qigong but 20-30 minutes instantly helps my depression states and energises me. you could probably find a few simple exercises on the internet. meditation is good but sometimes one needs to move the body and circulate the chi into it more. just remember it will pass.
    "Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick

  8. #38
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    amelie -

    i have been journaling recently in order to get over my own depression (seems to be a common affliction among our "demographic"), just typing away without fear of being judged for what i feel, and i have found the process quite useful. in fact, i am becoming convinced that my condition improves the more deeply i share. so, if you don't mind my hijacking your thread with part of my own sob story, i will share with you and the others what has come out most recently, which i feel touches on a theme that we may share. i'll include it in quotes so that people who are not inclined to read it can skip over it easily, but i hope that maybe it reassures you that you aren't alone in this. there is some degree of shame in there, to be sure, otherwise i would not feel depressed, but i am convinced that i stand to gain more by letting it out:

    we were at the japanese import bookstore, kinokuniya, in san francisco. i had been staying with them for almost a week by that time, and was as confused, if not more so, as ever about why i had come, what i wanted, what i was going to do when i went back, and what i would do if i went home without telling her how i felt about her.

    that was the extent of my affliction. i had come across the country, from boston to san fran, to see the only person who i felt really knew me. and all i knew was that what i really wanted was to keep her, to somehow make sure that she didn't get away from me, as late in the game as i had found her. but i didn't know how i was going to do this.

    i think, subconsciously, what i wanted to happen was for me to tell her how i felt about her (i honestly felt that my immature clinging feelings amounted to love at the time), for her to realize that she felt the same way, for this to force some kind of crisis in her life where she had to decide between david and i, and for her to choose me over him. if i had had any experience in the human heart before that point, perhaps i would have known that this just was not how these things worked.

    or maybe the pressure of holding my emotions in was simply becoming too much, and i wanted release in any form.

    or maybe i had no plan, conscious or otherwise, and simply wanted to spend time with her because she paid attention to me, and talked to me, and listened to me, and seemed to understand me. there was something about that; perhaps because i had just never had it before; and i was hungry for more of it. starving, in fact.

    and, just as truly starving man will stop caring what he has to do to get the food he needs for his body, so did i stop caring who i had to hurt or which relationships i had to bust my way into to get the acceptance and attention that i needed. even if it was that of a friend.

    indeed, i enjoyed busting in and screwing with their relationship. i couldn't consciously admit this to myself, of course. but deep down, in that place we all hate to admit we visit from time to time, the attention that it got me, the animosity that i received from david, the tears i heard behind tracey's voice as she told me to stop calling and stop sending letters, these nourished me just as fully as every hug and smile i had received from her.

    they nourished me precisely because i knew that i had received my last from her, and that beyond that lay nothing but an empty abyss where i would go to be forgotten; a footnote in the story of her life.

    and so, if i was to be cut off from this girl, by that old enemy, time; or by geography; or by her boorish fiancÚ; if i was to lose her and be cheated out of eden just as i had stepped over the threshold, at least i would not be forgotten. no. never.

    and this, in a very dark way, like satan luring the souls of the innocent into hell just to hear, one more time, the voice of his lost love condemning them to the eternal fire, refreshed me.

    but i digress.

    we were at the bookstore, and i had found a pen that, when used on the skin, left a semi-indelible mark, like a temporary tattoo, that persisted for a number of days afterwards. like a child running a new toy that he has just discovered up to show his mom, i showed it to her. she shared my wonder at it, and said we should write chinese characters on each other with it. i asked her to give me her palm.

    after i had finished writing the kanji, she looked at it, pronounced it "cool," and then, slowly looking up, asked me what it meant. the bookstore around us disappeared.

    i let my mask of playful self-sufficiency slip for just a moment. "forever," i said. it means "forever."

    and we didn't speak for that moment, there in the bookstore, alone among the throng, her hand in mine, her cold fingers in my warm palm for what would turn out to be the last time in our lives.
    Last edited by johnasmodeus; 04-21-2008 at 04:07 PM. Reason: missing particle

  9. #39
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    wow, johnasmodeus, what a beautiful story, you must be a writer. even if it was tragic, it was eloguently told. i've been able to not feel that pain anymore by not having any relationships for 8 years, it seems to work.

    i don't know what posseses me to think i have no friends, i emailed one about how i was feeling and she was quite offended, trust me to say the wrong thing. then i phoned another friend and she happily chatted with me until i ended the conversation, then i called someone else up and she was happy to hear from me. the 4th one i called was busy with her family but said to call her tomorrow. oh yes, and another friend emailed and was really nice.

    so i lie to myself, and believe my own lies. that seems to be the problem in most areas, the self deception creates a false reality and then i react to that so called reality and wonder why i feel bad. i love having those revelations that show me my self deception. one can never go back to ignorance once something is revealed. and the revelations have been really quickening these past couple of years, i wonder why.......

  10. #40
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    @ johnasmodeus:

    yeah, that is a pretty story. but it has left me feeling a bit blue. have you found any resolution to this or are you still in that dark place?

    @ larissa:

    i find it hard to believe that you don't have any friends. you are a really nice person. i did the same thing. i got it into my head that no one likes me and i started just doing and saying what i thought everyone else wanted me to. but that just furthered my separation and loneliness. now i am beginning to be able to speak straight from my heart and get my mind out of the way. i stopped holding myself back. once those walls came down, now i am beginning to let some light/love in. and it is a great feeling.

    i hope that made sense.
    "When you look into the eyes of another, any other, and you see your own soul looking back at you, then you will know that you have reached another level of consciousness." -Brian Weiss

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