life changes

[Teresamh7]

It has been a while since I posted anything, but I thought I would put something out here since I am home today. I love the new site!
Anyway, I have been having a lot of dreams about tornadoes and breaking store front glass (riots, police, etc.) and I have also decided to quit my job of almost 11 years at the Library and just take some serious time off. I have been deaing with a lot of stress on and off of the job and I think it is time to go in another direction, even though I do not know which direction that is. Almost as soon as I figured out that my job is just toxic and holding me back, my ex has also reared his ugly head and started anew a bitter custody battle from years past (Alec B. style) ---ironicaly identical---and I have begun to question my decisions again. Thoughts are scattered and I am scared to death. I almost want to give up my cleansing sometimes and just fight everybody tooth and nail and make them listen. I feel like this is just another thing has been thrown in my way and people that do ugly things really frustrate me!!!! They seem to hold all the cards. I don't want to play nice anymore!! I feel like I am being walked on like the mattresses on the floors in my dreams.

I guess what I am asking is has anyone gone through a "dark night" recenty and do they keep getting worse? How do I get to the level where I stop second guessing myself and I am confident that what I am doing does not hurt anone, incuding myself? Or is this some instant replay and if so how do I change things this time and make it more permanent? Any advice would help as I am at my wits end without sleep and the constant ringing...and now I am even questioning my decision to quit my job, which I feel is the right thing to do.
Love to all,
Teresa

[Art]

Teresa -

I've had "many" dark nights of the soul, so to speak, since April 2001. First things first - when it comes to quitting your job - WAY TO GO!!! It may seem insignificant, but its not. You will find a little peace shortly, be patient...

If I may -

After my Mom's unexpected death in April 2001, I struggled for months at work and finally quit, with the desire to go back to school and get a grad degree. I don't use the term struggle lightly... But, that pretty much blew up in my face and I "wandered" about from Oct. 2001 until about October 2003 (not in the physical sense - I stayed put). Didn't really accomplish anything "material" during this time, but I got to know myself (especially the dark side and how powerful it was). I was fortunate enough to have some really good friends who cared for me and taught me alot about life. They helped to correct my ways of thinking back then...

Unfortunately, as I was just getting my act together, an opportunity arose and I broke my rule and went back to the same kind of work (engineering for a MAJOR US corporation). This is stressful work, with constant priority changes, deadlines galore, and usually 4 or 5 "bosses". No wonder I got paid what I did... It was ok for about a year and a half (01/04 - 06/05), but eventually I was put in a situation where I had to choose between "greed" and "happiness" (forced relocation). Screw 'em. It was during this time (early '05) that I met my current fiance and she helped "initiate" the process of my "spiritual awakening". I was living far away from my family (and still do); her family took me right in and made me feel accepted and loved.

After leaving the job mentioned above in 10/05, I had a quick turnaround again in an engineering role, but it blew up much faster (2 months!). So, I found myself unemployed again from 01/06-05/06. I decided around 02/06 I would pursue teaching and was slowly taking the steps to get there. However, as luck would have it, I stumbled across an opening locally that I was qualified for and have been teaching ever since. Needless to say, I've finally found happiness in my work life.

My spiritual growth really accelerated since 05/06 and I can honestly say that my "knowledge" has grown exponentially since then. Almost an arrogant statement (there's a fine line between arrogance and confidence). However, my latest "dark night" has come in the form of relationship trouble - and I'm still dealing with it - or trying to...

Look back through my story. Notice anything? I kept doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. Didn't someone once say that is the definition of insanity? So, take a good look at your life and look for things like this. Also, since you're here, you should know a little about synchronicity, etc. I can honestly look back and see the "nudges". No, they are not coincidences - in my case there is overwhelming evidence in support for this.

My advice would be to ask for help - for love. I read somewhere that we have 2 angles with us at all times, and another 4 "on standby". All we need to do is ask, and they will help us to see the light. So, look inside yourself, heal whatever it is you need to. Don't be afraid of your anger - it is a catalyst for change - apparently much needed.

Do the dark nights get worse? Maybe. I would say mine did. But, they stopped when I finally made a choice to change. As for my current situation, I've taken "advice" from David's "It Only Take Five Minutes to Predict the End of the World". I will only let things go so far before I have to cut ties - I love myself too much to let myself fall into misery...

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You are loved more than you realize. :) Good luck and hang in there. Or, as my Dad would say, "Keep that Chin Up and "push" yourself through". You can do it. Take care!

[eyez4096]

I suspect... just a feeling... that you would best search a bit and try to understand what lesson it is that you are to learn... I'm guessing that there are at least two here and that they're remotely related... pay close attention to cause and effect dynamics in your interactions with yourself and with others.

That's all I can really say without overstepping my own boundaries and it may or may not be useful. You'll be okay. Try to remember that.

-Charles

[world-bridger]

Hello,

This is my first posting on this site and I may have some useful information from you that came from a powerful meditation experience I had last night. Basically I was shown/told that when your thoughts and your feelings are in harmony you will be at peace.

Sounds simple doesn't it?

Regarding your situation, you might consider sitting down, taking a few relaxing breaths until you start to feel settled and then wait until your thinking begins to run out of steam (so to speak). This may take a while if there is a lot of emotional attachment to your situation. Once you have settled enough to be able to concentrate on one specific aspect of your problem simply place that in the 'air' and watch how your feelings and thoughts flop around.

You will know when you have reached a point of harmony between your thoughts and feelings when you either have an 'aha' moment or you feel your body relax deeply.

This is peace.

Hope that helps.

[soup]

I had a week of dark nights in January - it may have been a transit
thing Mars/Pluto/Natal Sun...

i did a lot of Metta affirmations (hours of them):

"May all beings be free from enmity and danger
May all beings be free from mental suffering
May all beings be free from physical suffering
May all beings care for themselves happily..."

Oh and I also did the Nichiren Buddism Mantra, the one that
helped Tina Turner...from the Mahayana or Lotus Sutra...

All while the interior of my body felt in complete flames...

They say there's magic in giving charity in times of need,
maybe these things are opportunitys of sorts to do so.

[Teresamh7]

I woke up this morning and all I remember is the statue of justice being unveiled. I want to thank you all for the help. I was urged to some much needed tears. My soul thanks each of you for taking the time to help. I am looking forward this morning and that is a HUGE step for me. I am going to let it go and TRUST things are for the best.
THANK YOU ALL!!
Teresa

[jax]

Hi Teresa,

Thankfully, I don't have to work anymore. :D I hated my job. I had to work nights in printer manufacturing for years and years! Seems like a library job would be fun, but guess not. Anyhoo, about your EX....truly love and forgive him and see how that makes you feel about the whole custody thing. You might be surprised how it will iron itself out when you send love and healing to the situation. I'm sending you lotsa love, prayers, and a big smile.
http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Corridor/7702/jax1.jpg
Jax in Colorado

[Art]

Teresa,

Wanted to "check up" on ya. With all the new posting, some previous conversations get "lost" on other pages (I had to go to p. 3 to find this thread).

Hope things continue to get better for you and others on this site who are experiencing the "negative effects" of these changing times. I hesitate to call these effects "negative" - on the surface these individual challenges we face alone seem daunting, but they are really lessons for learning and personal development. I've grown through "suffering" so to speak...

I've been able to draw alot of strength from the members of this forum, in addition to expressing my feelings, sharing ideas, and learning from everyone else. My hope is that it is the same for you, and others who choose to share and experience through this site.

Good luck and take care!

Art

P.S. - not wanting to infringe upon your free will, but if things are going GREAT others may be "inspired" by your story so to speak... :D

[charran]

Theresa,

Part of your issue revolves around trusting yourself and the other part is in trusting others. What I have found helpful in situations that I've gone through is to play the role of the observer - to step back from the drama, and not react. When you do this, you can see things more clearly - who you are and the role you play as well as what role others are playing.

Sometimes in our lives there are things we have to choose between that seem to be equally good and bad, and hence we question whether or not we are making the right decision. We are afraid of making mistakes. But what I found interesting in my life is that what I thought was a mistake was really a blessing in disguise. So just do the best with whatever decision you have made, and run with it. If you vascillate between one decision and another, then it will take longer for you to see results, at least that has been my experience.

With any decision you make, you have to give some time to see the results. Results are not instantaneous usually. Give it some time and hold tight.

love,

Charran

[Teresamh7]

Thanks for checking on me! I am so thankful for people like you and I dream of becoming selfless and caring, as you clearly are (and I am so jealous!!!) I hope to get it right sometime. Since I put in my notice I have been scared at times about what the future holds, but each day I see more and more that people around here are not going to change and I am the one who needs the change. I do not desire to keep company with people who thrive off of negativity, drama and are unfair just to keep the masses happy.

I have still felt a little fear, but I realize that I am about to explore something great and I will actually have some time to get to know myself. I am already starting to feel different. There's less anger. I still have my moments, but I am getting through it. I am concentrating on my admiration of crystals and the possibilty of essences since I seem to have a knack with them. I feel like I feel them. I also want to help other people. Mostly I want to treat my family and friends with less anger and judgment and more understanding. Being a manager for 15+ years altogether has jaded me and I seriously need change!!

This forum is really my saving grace. It makes me feel like I am a part of something. Like I belong.

[Nina]

Dear Teresa,
Just now saw your news. Liked your dreams. Trust that your interests and dreams will guide you. Also I remember a Cayce quote about how important home and family life is, that not everyone can/or should take on both a family and a career. Maybe time for you to not have to manage so much! Hope that conditions will soon be easier for you re-your girls father. No wonder you are drawn to displays of beauty and order around you - NINA

[Art]

Teresa, (and others)

You're welcome! You share powerful words about "seeing" fear and negativity, and confronting those fears and avoiding negative people. Really simple advice, but you'd be amazed at how many people don't do these things. Probably because they are still "asleep" - wandering about dazed and confused...

Don't worry about the anger - I still experience anger from time to time also, but nowadays I am "choosy" about what I let "get to me". In other words, there are more important things to worry about than the little stuff. I've found this to be very helpful in reducing stress (I too suffer from stress-induced panic attacks/depression/etc.).

Glad to hear that you are drawn to help people - I'd venture to say that all members on this forum are drawn to helping people - spreading love and light. It is our "charge", our "destiny". I've found it to be very "gratifying" to lend an ear, offer a hug, etc. On the other hand, when I pass up a chance to help someone, it really "hurts" and I feel it for some time afterwards. Alot of the times it just takes a pleasant disposition and a smile to change someone's day. Simple acts of kindness go a long way in changing the world we live in.

I've enjoyed sharing and reading stories of "awakening" - each person's journey is a little different, but the "basics" are the same. Overcoming "negative" qualities with the desire to know one's self and help others. I've also found that I am more drawn to threads like these, than the "debates" over "details". Yes, it is important to "know", and I've been drawn to learning, but sometimes I get "bad vibes" from reading some posts here. Let's try to keep it positive gang!

An idea for those entrepenuerial types - someone ought to open a website dedicated specifically to "Awakening" stories. Alot of us are drawn to share or may have the desire to write a book about their experiences, etc. Wouldn't it be nice to have a collection of these for everyone to view? If one person's story inspires just one other person, then it is worth the effort.

Lastly - YOU DO BELONG and YOU ARE A PART OF SOMETHING - SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE! Little by little we are changing the world folks. Glad to have you here, sharing and experiencing.

Take care and continued good luck on your journey!